The Cabal of Multinational Corporations is pleased to formally announce RepubliCorpTM, a new combined entity following our complete merger with the Republican Party.
RepubliCorpTM combines the ethics-free campaigning savvy of the GOP with the limit-free spending power of Corporate AmericaTM. This merger is precisely timed: With the recent Citizens United ruling finally placing the United States government on the open market, RepubliCorpTM is now perfectly positioned to lead our hostile takeover bid, currently scheduled for completion on November 2nd 2010.
See below for the restructuring plan for the takeover bid, designed to maximize the impressive array of assets which are now—or soon will be—wholly owned subsidiaries of RepubliCorpTM:
This unit has a proud track record of mass-marketing corporate priorities and training our political associates to serve us in government. Unfortunately, funding transparency laws and the GOP’s visible contempt for the American people will pose a serious challenge to this unit until all campaign finance regulations are repealed and the GOP’s image is sanitized. Of course, these are two of RepubliCorp’sTM top priorities for 2011.
Revenue Generation and Political Enforcement
This unit has an unparalleled capacity to funnel hundreds of millions of dollars to corporate candidates and lobbying operations. While recent accusations of tax fraud, money laundering, and soliciting donations from foreign corporations have posed minor setbacks, these will be quickly resolved following our U.S. government takeover.
Left unchecked, an informed electorate poses a serious risk to our long-term interests. Thankfully, this unit has demonstrated a best-in-class ability to ensure a healthy climate of constant fear, driven by unquestioned RepubliCorpTM talking points, perfect for achieving and maintaining our full ownership of the U.S. government.
HR and Development
Funded by other subsidiaries such as Fox News and major oil companies, the recent merger will allow full integration of this growing campaign asset into the RepubliCorpTM family.
We’re proud to bolster our hostile takeover bid with an outstanding set of new divisions, led by the very best in the field political manipulation.
Founded in 2004 by Oil and Gas billionaires the Koch Brothers, AFP is the industry-leading expert in converting corporate funds into the appearance of grassroots support. The well-financed force behind the “tea party” apparatus, AFP will ensure RepubliCorpTM appears to be on the side of “the people” for years to come.
While protesting that he doesn’t, Karl Rove (see staff profile) will lead this unit with a healthy $60 million budget. Unfettered by principles and funded by billionaires, this unit’s deceptive and negative advertising will considerably strengthen our takeover bid.
RepubliCorpTM was proud to hire disgraced politicians Norm Coleman, Haley Barbour and Jeb Bush to run this division. AAN is poised to spend $25 million on attack ads in 2010, and is fully immune from disclosure thanks to Citizens United and the Senate's fortuitous failure to pass the DISCLOSE Act.
This unit has faced troublesome allegations in the past of hiding its revenue and illegally funding corporate money into deceptive electioneering. Despite that, this unit soldiers on, running political strategy for the narrow self-interest of our donors. Thankfully, once our takeover is complete, this highly effective branch of RepubliCorpTM will be able to advance our interests without fear of accountability.
RepubliCorpTM shareholders can be confident that our hostile take over bid for the US Government is in the hands of an all-star team of executives who are passionate about transferring power from voters to corporations—and have the track record to back it up.
CEO-Designate, Government Division
As the top Congressional Republican, Mr. Boehner is a life-long pioneer in bringing corporate power deep into government. He set the new standard in 1996 when he when he physically distributed checks from tobacco lobbyists to Republicans on the floor of the US House of Representatives. Just imagine what his leadership can do for RepubliCorpTM once the takeover is complete.
Vice President For Corporate Communications
Mr. Murdoch is not just a principle investor in RepubliCorpTM but a passionate advocate of replacing journalism with corporate PR. He will now fully devote his considerable talent to our hostile takeover bid for the U.S. government, and ensure voters are sufficiently frightened and misinformed to avoid any interference from below.
A legend who needs no introduction, ‘The Prince of Darkness’ has proven the boundary between politics and governance is just an antiquated formality by bringing the same fear-mongering, divisive agenda into George W. Bush’s White House as he made famous on the campaign trail. RepubliCorpTM shareholders can rest easy knowing our takeover bid and future administration plans for the U.Ss government are in Mr. Rove’s experienced hands.
Diversity and Equal Employment Solutions
Cumbersome laws promoting diversity and equal employment opportunity have long bedeviled many of our private sector subsidiaries. Following our government takeover, Mr. Paul will be retained at the ‘Senator’ level and lead the effort to eliminate these tiring restrictions. With a long track record of outspoken opposition to key provisions of the Civil Rights Act, Mr. Paul is clearly the right executive for this delicate task.
Director of Outreach and Incitement
Until our R&D engineers at Diebold are able to perfect the Fully Automated Voting System, individual voters still pose a potentially threatening externality to our takeover bid. And nothing disturbs voters like facts. That’s why RepubliCorpTM is proud to retain Ms. Palin, the world’s leading authority on the replacement of facts with folksy talking points and Facebook posts. Ms. Palin’s legendary ability to neutralize voters though inciting and misdirecting anger while obfuscating our activities makes her an irreplaceable addition to our senior executive team.
Executive Vice President for Fundraising and Arm-Twisting
Mr. Donohue’s excellent leadership of the U.S. Chamber of Commerce makes him an invaluable asset to the takeover bid leadership staff. He has demonstrated a prodigious talent for converting corporate wealth into unrivaled DC influence, and a healthy penchant for money laundering and deceptive smear campaigning against politicians who refuse to join our business units. And the vast quantity of consumer dollars that secretly flow into U.S. Chamber political coffers ensures a reliable revenue source even in a worst-case-scenario outbreak of voter awareness and outrage.
Chief Morale Officer
Mr. Steele has raised all of our spirits over the past year as Chairman of our newly acquired GOP unit with his knee-slapping gaffes, lesbian bondage excursion scandals and astounding ability to retain a straight face despite his kind-hearted buffoonery. While we are confident of success, hostile government takeovers can be grueling affairs, and we are excited to have secured Mr. Steele a permanent slot on our senior team to keep the smiles coming.
Director, Conspiracy Unit
At RepubliCorpTM we know that customer service comes first. And nothing interferes in our ability to serve our corporate customers like voters who demand know ‘what’s going on here.’ That’s why we've found Mr. Beck’s conspiracy unit to consistently yield amongst the highest ROI’s of any RepubliCorpTM division. With just a healthy imagination, a common blackboard, famously flexible ethics, and the integrated support of our Fox News unit, Mr. Beck has provided millions of voters with carefully fabricated answers to their questions, expertly diverting their concerns and even enlisting them as inadvertent supporters of our takeover bid.
Chief Investors, Shareholders, and Chairmen of the Board
Nothing proves the unofficial RepubliCorpTM motto: ‘billionaires know best’ like the inspiring story of David and Charles Koch. These visionary brothers understand that hard work is the engine of progress, and no one will work hard if they think that once they become billionaires they will still be expected to pay taxes like regular suckers. As billionaires themselves, the Koch’s have selflessly contributed over $100 million to a series of RepubliCorpTM campaigns to remove the yoke of reasonability from billionaires’ shoulders and thus unleash the hidden potential of this great nation. RepubliCorpTM is humbled to have this duo as our chief investors, shareholders, and Chairmen of the Board.